Finding God’s gifts when prayers aren’t answered in my time.

It’s been a long time since I’ve sat down at a keyboard to just write. Life just seems to keep finding a way to get in the way, if that makes any sense at all. My biggest battle seems to be my own expectations on how I think life should go. I’ve had a lot of those in life, you know, expectations, those things that can keep us from truly enjoying life, and yet are necessary in order to know how to push ourselves in the right direction. If that last sentence wasn’t confusing, then you’re better at this than I am. I mean, expectations can be good, but when my expectations limit those I love the most, then it keeps me from enjoying life to the fullest and finding joy in the everyday struggles of life.

I’ve been praying a long time now for healing in my marriage. It’s been a long road of sadness, frustration, anger, and even violence. So those reading this know that I am not in an abusive relationship, the violence comes from me, not my spouse. I have been left feeling sad, isolated, lonely, and betrayed, and as a result, many times I have not reacted well. I even have a felony because of my reactions, but that is for another blog (stay tuned). Many times, I have been left wanting as I cry out to God for some answers, to please heal my spouse, and deliver me from the pain I feel inside. And yet, God hasn’t seen fit to yet answer my prayers. I know he can offer immediate healing, but He’s choosing to let me battle through this pain for a reason far beyond my human understanding, and emotions.

Recently (maybe even this morning perhaps), I heard Fr Mike Schmitz say in the Bible in a Year podcast something about finding God’s gifts in the middle of suffering. Also, that just because God hasn’t answered a prayer, it doesn’t mean He isn’t blessing you. OKAY!! Ain’t that just a smack of truth right across the ole left cheek?!? It really IS the truth. I have so many blessings in my life. I’m healthy, other than an overly annoying bout of vertigo I’ve been dealing with for over a week now. Which is incredibly annoying but will hopefully be gone soon. Other than that, I am fifty years young. I am the mom of a beautiful 28-year-old daughter, and a seven-year-old son whom I have the blessed fortune of homeschooling. I get out and hike, snowshoe, snowboard, and workout at a gym. I have been blessed with a multitude of friends in various circles that I can share my life, my faith, laughter, hiking, sadness, and support. I have a home, some property in which I can garden, and will soon have chickens (hopefully this spring – maybe there will be a blog about chickens). My parents are still alive, and I talk to them at least a couple of times a week. I really can call myself blessed.

Beyond all those wonderful things in the aforementioned paragraph, God has really given me a healthy dose of HIs love. I don’t doubt for a second that God loves me. He has shown the power of His Mighty Arm in so many areas of my life. He has given me the ability to know his Undying LOVE. I trust in HIs Grace, and His Mercy!! Or do I? When it comes to my marriage, and my spouse, how am I really about trusting in His Grace and His Mercy? AHA!!! not so great. This is the lesson I believe God is trying to teach me right now. If God were speaking out loud to me, it might sound something like this: (clears throat) Jeanette! Oh Jeanette, how many times have I loved you through your toughest times in life? How many times have I carried you through the pain, and oftentimes loss you have felt in your life? How much have I allowed you to see my mercy overflow with abundance in your life? and yet… You can’t give away to your spouse, your partner for life, your beloved whom I have chosen for you what I have so graciously given to you? OUCH!!!

So maybe God hasn’t answered my prayers because he needs to show me just how stingy and selfish, I have been with His love toward my spouse. I complain about the pain and the suffering, and he reminds me with His wounds that He understands. He will not abandon nor forsake me.

(next blog – from the battlefield to Warrior)