For those of you reading this blog that don’t know me personally, I am a veteran of the United States Army. Military was a perfect fit for me. I was physically fit, mentally tough, and a natural leader. When I went through basic combat training, I loved every miserable part of it. I loved being challenged both mentally and physically, while learning how to fight the enemy. I was the platoon leader for our platoon, and I pushed myself as well as the other 60 females to be their best. Our motto was “Be, Can, Do”. and I embraced that motto fully. The idea of fighting for something more than myself seemed to be engrained in me; the military life fit like a glove, and I loved the rigorous training.
In 2004 my reserve unit was called up to serve overseas, and we were sent to Afghanistan. I served over a year in a volatile area. Our base was nicknamed “Rocket City” because of the large number of Rocket Propelled Grenades that hit our Forward Operating Base. One afternoon when our commander was having a “chat” with some lower enlisted in our unit, he made the not-so-subtle comment that I had more balls than any male on the FOB. I was quite proud of that statement, and proud of the many people I went head-to-head with while there to make things happen. I was good at being a soldier, and good under pressure. I thrived in the combat environment.
What I did not thrive well with was my return back to civilian life. After being back home only a year, I found myself an unrelenting angry person who had no idea where all the aggression was coming from. Reacting in some most uncontrollable ways, I found myself forced to face what would later be diagnosed as combat PTSD.
I struggled to reconcile who I was as a woman, and who I was as a soldier. Fighting a battle made sense to me, but I was also a mom of an eleven-year-old daughter upon my return home. Meshing the battle mind of being in combat to who I was as a mom, a woman, and a daughter of God most high left me confused and frustrated. I am grateful for the experience I had while serving our US military. I am not proud of every choice I made while I was there, nor am I proud of how I reacted once I came back home.
I have learned how to live with combat PTSD, but the aggression seemed to keep on going. When I found myself in a marriage that brought a lot of pain to me, I reacted as if I was under attack. Instead of acting in love toward a hurting spouse, I made him into the enemy, and reacted as if I was in battle.
The first step in winning a battle is to know your enemy.
In my mind, my husband was attacking me with his actions. I couldn’t see his hurt, his deep wounds, and all I could see was that I was under attack. As a result, I reacted very poorly many times in our marriage. I was not acting as a warrior at all. I was fighting the wrong battle. I was fighting in the enemy’s camp.
So where does the warrior come in?
She comes in to fight the enemy when others cannot. Once I figured out who the real enemy is, I got new fortitude on who I was supposed to be fighting. I would love to say this knowledge and this resolve came many years ago. However, this realization has only come to me in the last year and a half – I’m still learning.
1 Peter 3 says, “Be sober, be watchful! For your adversary the Devil, as a roaring lion, goes about seeking someone to devour. Resist him, steadfast in the faith..” WHOA!!! my adversary?? I know a bit about adversary’s and enemies having been trained for war. However, I was fighting a war alongside the Devil, fighting my spouse. Satan seeks to kill, and destroy, and here I was helping him out by putting my spouse down every moment I saw fit.
I lived on my emotions for way too long, and those emotions allowed me to justify every bad decision I made in my marriage. As a result, I became an overly controlling, criticizing, and even violent at times spouse.
I do have good news. God has brought me to a place over the last three years, in which I have been able to take the plank out of my eye to see just how negative, and controlling, and even abusive I had become. The even better news is that He is still helping me to pick all the little splinters out of my eyes so that I can continue to see that I need to offer my spouse the same grace, love and mercy that God has so graciously given to me. This is making me into a true WARRIOR for God. I feel strength, and courage, and full of perseverance knowing I am now fighting the battle alongside God, instead of alongside the enemy. It’s not easy giving up control. I’ve been controlling for a very long time now.
So how did God start me on this journey to see myself for what I had become? He humbled me the only way I would listen……… (next blog)
Be Strong and Courageous 