Believing I’m Beautiful

I know I said my next blog was going to be about how God woke me up to become a WARRIOR for Him, and how He humbled me to that point, but I feel the urging to write about an innate desire, instead, to be seen, known, and beautiful. I promise, I’m working on the continuation from the last blog and will get it out to you in the next few days, but for now, here is a little history about me, and a story about why I believe I’m beautiful.

I think as women, no matter where we’ve come from, we desire to be attractive. I don’t think this is wrong to desire this, in fact, I think it’s something in the way we have been created to be. I have gone back and forth, and up and down in my thinking about the pros and cons of desiring to be beautiful. It’s only been recently, that I have understood this desire through my Father’s eyes. I am not talking about my earthly father, whom I love very much, but my heavenly Father who loves me just the way I need to be loved.

All throughout my life, I have experienced much vanity. When I was very young, I was teased for my bucked teeth. But I determined I would have braces one day and have a beautiful smile. I was very much a tomboy growing up, but inside of me was a desire to be pretty. While I loved playing with cars, worms, snakes, bugs, and in the mud, I also liked painting my nails, and trying on makeup. In my later teenage years, I felt boys noticing me, but I always wanted to be prettier, to be the prettiest. There always seemed to be some girl out there more pretty than me. I admired the women in magazines. The way they did their hair, and their makeup fascinated me, and I desired to achieve my own look of beauty. It was all very superficial. But deep down, my desire was to be noticed, to be seen, and to be beautiful.

My desire to be beautiful was not fostered in a way that benefited me. My earthly father did not do a good job of making me feel beautiful, special, seen, and cherished. Therefore, I sought to be noticed in ways that left me striving for love in inappropriate ways. Before I go on, let me say that my dad is a very loving, giving, man. He takes great joy in doing small things for those he loves the most. I have grown to admire my father for who he is as a man. However, my relationship with my father was very much lacking when I was younger. He didn’t really have the example of how to be a good dad to his girls. I have no doubt now that he has always loved us, but I couldn’t have told you with absolute certainty when I was a young girl, teenager, or even young adult, that my dad loved me no matter what. Because of this need to know I was beautiful, I searched for it with boys. I did not know how to turn to God in my need to be seen.

Dancing Before the Father

I was blessed as a young child to grow up across from a wooded area that would become my playground. It was there that I felt the most alive, the most free, and the most seen. I know that last one seems a bit odd “most seen,’ but when we are seen, we feel connected. I felt connected when I was out in the woods. I didn’t know just by whom at the time, but God certainly knew. This feeling connected while outdoors transpired into my teenage years which were wrought with a lot of different emotions. I was connected to my church life, but also feeling a lot of angst at home. My older brother was really struggling with life and as a result made some really poor choices that effected my entire family. We all were in a lot of pain, each dealing with it the best way we knew how. I mean, who can prepare themselves for what goes on in life that is out of our control?!

On one side of the wooded area there was a lake that had an old oak tree that I would sit under when things were crazy. Sometimes the wind would blow, and I would sit there enjoying the wind blowing through my hair. It was here I would feel peace and encounter the Spirit moving in me. It was here that I saw myself dance before Our Father in Heaven.

I will never forget that experience from so long ago. I must have been sixteen or seventeen years old. I can’t tell you exactly what was going on that day to bring me under the old oak tree. I know I was feeling a lot of pain, but the details I cannot recall. What I can recall is closing my eyes. The wind was blowing across my face. It was a warm day. I don’t even know if it was spring or fall, but it was just warm enough to have a light jacket on. As I sat there with my eyes closed, I saw myself dancing. I was wearing a white cotton dress just above my ankles. The sleeves were long, and the neck was draped just a bit. It wasn’t completely white, more like a country white. I was barefoot, and dancing before my heavenly Father, and he was taking delight in me. I was not adorned with jewelry, or makeup, or a fancy hairdo. My hair didn’t matter, what mattered is I felt alive, and beautiful dancing before my Father. When I opened my eyes, I started to sob. I felt such joy in knowing I was His beloved daughter. I also felt pain because I wanted that vision to be true so badly. I wanted to dance before the Father for the rest of my life and know that He takes delight in me.

Here in the past few days, I was reminded of that vison. I was praying the Lord’s prayer, and pondering about how in my life, I have always felt the most connected to God the Father in the three persons of the Holy Trinity. It suddenly hit me that I needed to be seen and feel beautiful by my earthly father. I never received that, but my Heavenly Father reassured me in my teenage years, that He thinks I am beautiful, He sees me, and I can feel connected to Him. Because I know the Father loves me, and thinks I am beautiful, He has covered me in the other areas where I have not felt seen or beautiful.

We humans can make a mess of things. I am guilty of it. But in two of my relationships: my dad, and my spouse, I don’t get affirmed of my beauty. I know that not every man has been taught how to make the women in their lives feel beautiful. If you were someone who grew up with a dad who told you how beautiful you are, and that he sees you, if he took the time to develop a strong connection that affirmed that you are seen, and heard, then you are so incredibly blessed. If you are like me, and your dad maybe didn’t do such a good job at letting you know you are beautiful just the way you are, I get it, but there is hope in this. I can guarantee that Our Father in Heaven sees you. He thinks you are beautiful just the way you are. He loves you and He takes delight in you.

So, maybe if you don’t always feel beautiful, take the time after reading this to say, “I am beautiful.” I know someone looking down from above who will agree with you.

I am beautiful.