and the rains came down

My last blog I left you hanging. So now I will tell you about the uncertainty that came from the next day. As I sat in my jail cell with the realization of all I had done to help tear apart our marriage by trying to control my husband into doing the right thing. I was hit hard with the realization that a lot had to change in our marriage, starting with me. I knew that I could lose my son, I knew that my husband may want to divorce me. I just really wasn’t prepared to face the reality of what could happen.

The day after my night in jail, I was formally charged with “felony domestic violence in Presence of a Child”. As if that wasn’t heavy enough for me to face, I was handed a “no contact order.” In no way was I allowed to return to my residence. I couldn’t contact my husband on any level. They expressed to me the absolute certainty that I would go straight to prison if I were to violate this order in any way. I could not text him, call him, email him, or be within 50 feet of him at any given moment. Were he to walk into the same establishment as me, I had to leave immediately. I could not contact him through a third party. No one could contact him for me. If I wanted to retrieve any of my personal belongings, then I had to contact the police, who would then meet me at our residence, and be present the entire time. Then I was given my personal belonging and sent on my way. I walked out of jail, free until arraignment, but I had no idea where I was going to go, so I just started walking. Then the rain clouds came, the thunder clapped, it started pouring, hailing, thundering and lightening. All I was wearing was the clothes I had been to mass in the night before when I was arrested. I just stood there in shock, and asking God, “why?!” I had no idea where I would go, what I would do, how I would see my son, and how I would navigate this. I was alone, scared, shocked, and uncertain as to what lie ahead, even in the next few minutes. At that moment, as the rain was pouring down, and the hail was beating down upon me, I knew I needed immediate shelter, so I called someone I knew to see if they could help me.

I have two “angels” who came to my rescue during a very uncertain time. The first angel rescued me from the impending weather that was falling upon me, gave me a place to stay, and loved me right where I was at in all my failings. Barbie, if you are reading this, I will be forever grateful to you and Ken for giving me a place to stay in the initial stages of uncertainty. The love, peace, and advice you both meted out to me, was nothing short of God’s grace. I am forever grateful for you coming to my rescue when I was so unsure where I could go. My second “angel” took me to a place where I can absolutely feel God’s presence. My very dear friend, Noella, brought me to her family’s cabin in Idaho’s backcountry for Memorial Weekend. It was just what my soul needed to focus on God instead of pondering how sad I was at not seeing my son. That time allowed me to miss my spouse and long to have him there to enjoy the beauty that surrounded me. I was also immersed in God’s beauty everywhere I looked. I could feel that He was going to lead me to safer shores. I knew it may not be an immediate landing, but that I would be able to see my family, and that one day we would be together again. I hoped that it was sooner rather than later. Noella, and her husband Bob also opened up their home to me for a time until I was able to find something a bit more permanent. The two of them were a real blessing to me, allowing me stay with them for a couple of weeks. God certainly showed his Mighty Hand in my life those first few weeks after being let out of jail. He let me know He had not abandoned me and was right there alongside me. It also gave me the space to do a lot of self-reflection on the anger I had been carrying around for a very long time.

It was during my time with Noella, and Bob that I was able to secure an attorney through another good friend. We went to court to amend the “no contact order” so that my husband and I could communicate via text message to allow me to see my son. The prosecutor tried to get my son added to the “no contact order,” but the judge would not allow it. The judge changed the order to “communication only through text messaging about the child.” When we were to exchange our son, it had to be through a third party so that we were not violating the “no contact order”. It certainly made life difficult. I wanted so much to talk to my husband; I was terribly afraid of what might happen if I violated the order. Barbie’s husband, Ken, who had worked for the police department was a firm foundation in letting me know I needed to heed that order as difficult as it was.

I spent a lot of time sobbing in desperation in the weeks that followed. I sobbed because I missed my son, I sobbed because I missed my husband, I sobbed because I could be facing prison time; but through it all, I felt God’s presence, and never gave up. I had no idea what life my look like as a felon, how I would navigate this “new life”…….

God has a way of making things fall into place in ways we least expect. The next couple of weeks brought more uncertainty, and a lot more pain. And yet through it all, God kept letting me know of His unwavering presence. I immersed myself in prayer, journaling, going to mass, saying several rosaries a day, and started to work with a counselor on anger management. I also had my son over to Bob and Noella’s for a couple of overnights with me. Unfortunately, all of this was happening as Covid was rearing its ugly head, and it set in motion some events that left me alone, scared, and not knowing where to go with my five-year-old son.

(to be continued next blog)

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